He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize