i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
