Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
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