he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
