Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
