I'm lost and stupid without you.
Can Purell be used as lube?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
