Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
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