No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
