What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
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