please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
