every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
