I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
