david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you mean i was at the winter classic?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
