yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
