Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
