all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
