They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
