I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Randomize
