Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
