My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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