New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
