Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
God I need to hump something, right now.
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