I think my vagina is haunted
I met the friendliest cop last night
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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