Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize