if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
