she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
