By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
