I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
