Well douche your snatch and let's go!
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize