Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
