My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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