New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
