It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
