I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
