im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
