Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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