I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize