dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
