i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
