i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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