He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
sarcasm needs its own font
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
