we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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