My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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