I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
In other news, I just burned my penis
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize