Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
