we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
