im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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