My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
