I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
