my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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