you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
