Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize