I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
