ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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